James, I know they're called sealed bids,
but you don't actually think they are sealed, do you?
Do you? Blimey. Well, anyway, bottom line,
your chum needs to stump up another 50K if he wants it.
Well, he shouldn't be so poor, then.
That's plain selfish, if you ask me.
ASAP, please, James.
Rushed off my feet here.
Look, I'll work for the minimum.
All right, I'll work for less than the minimum. I just really...
Sorry, my boss is giving me a bit of grief.
If you're not going to eat, I need the table.
Oh, I'm sorry, yeah. How much do I owe you?
Just the two coffees, wasn't it? That's £4.90.
Oh, God, this is really embarrassing.
I've left my wallet at home.
Look, I only live up the road, so I can grab it in two minutes.
You do know it comes out my wages if you do a runner, yeah?
I'm not going to do a runner, I swear. In fact, I'll give you this.
That's a vintage watch. My gran gave it to me.
It's got to be worth at least 50 quid.
What's the difference between vintage and knackered, then?
Please. I'll be two minutes. I promise.
Go on.
OK, thank you.
Hey, young man. I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation.
Might I have a quick look at the watch?
Sure.
Oh, damn. You were right.
Yep. Claude Fouchet.
Early one, too. When he was working out of Marseilles.
How much do you want for it?
- No, it's not for sale. - We'll give you two grand.
- Two grand? - OK, three, then.
Look, I'd love to, but it's not mine to sell.
But... she's not coming back.
She said she was and I trust her.
Sorry.
OK.
If she doesn't...
call me.
And I admire your honesty.
Blond girl on table seven didn't have any money. She left her watch for security.
She says she's coming back.
Hi, excuse me.
The guy I was talking to before, he left a watch behind the bar, that's right.
Thank you. Erm...
I don't... I don't have...
- Uh, miss? - Yeah?
I, er... I couldn't help overhearing your conversation earlier.
I happen to be interested in old, scrappy watches.
I just wonder whether you might sell me that for, say, £300?
Oh, no, sorry. My gran gave it to me, so...
Well, for sentimental reasons, perhaps we could go to £400?
- Well, my gran gave it... - 450 would be my tops.
I guess Granny wouldn't want me to starve.
And £500 would certainly set you back on your feet, wouldn't it?
OK. OK, yeah. You've got a deal.
Well done, you. Clever old thing.
Now. One, two, three, four, five, six...
Emma!
- Emma Kennedy? - Oh, my God. Joe?
- Yeah. - Joe Ryan!
- How you doing? - Oh, my God! Yeah, I'm good.
- Yeah! - Um...
Sorry, can I just have 10 seconds?
- Sorry, yeah. I didn't mean to interrupt. - Yeah, we're just...
Where were we? Um...
Um, yes, where indeed? I seem to have lost my train of thought now.
That's 300. It's just another two, isn't it?
Yes, just another 200.
Cor. Hope she's not trying to pull a flanker on you, mate.
Did me out of an Oasis ticket once for a sherbet Dip Dab and two Curly Wurlies.
Oh, very good. Very good.
But not quite good enough.
Something I said?
I'm sorry. I'll be two seconds.
OK, I messed something up there, didn't I?
Wait, don't tell me. You're a sleazy rip-off merchant.
No, no, no. It was a game.
It was a joke. It was like a bet I was having with my mates, that's all.
Well, do feel free to smack me in the mouth.
No, no, no. It's nothing. Forget about it. It's fine.
So...
Long time. What you been up to?
I heard you became a teacher.
Yes, call me "sir".
No, I work in a primary school up in Birmingham.
Wow. Are you still married to, erm... Kate, was it?
Yeah, long story.
You?
I'm not married to Kate, no.
So, what, do you work round here?
Sort of, yeah. I move around a bit.
What sort of work?
Money.
- Now, why doesn't that surprise me? - Yeah, yeah. I move it around.
Keeping some for yourself, I hope.
Yeah. Just a bit, yeah.
Well, good for you.
You look bigger, Joe. You've filled out, you know?
Yeah, I've piled on the weight.
Used to be eight pounds seven ounces, would you believe?
- Well, it suits you. - Well, thank you.
You look as gorgeous as you always did, of course.
- So what you doing down here? - Oh, you know. Stuff.
Well, do you want to get a coffee or something? Or...
I've got to go to a meeting right now.
But my train doesn't leave till nine. How about a glass of wine later?
Broke her heart.
- Emma? - Yeah, I swear. Clean in two.
He was the love of her life.
I can't imagine anyone doing that to Emma.
Hey, lads, some of the hearts I've broken, eh?
Well, you are a very attractive man, Eddie.
Listen, I remember there was this one girl, she wanted me so much...
she couldn't even call me.
Or, like, answer the phone when I rang her.
She was too tongue-tied to even speak. Had to give her the old Spanish archer.
There was this other one, so transported when we made love...
she went into a sort of trance.
If you didn't know any better, you'd say she'd fallen asleep, you know.
In the end, you've just gotta get rid.
It might hurt them in the short run, but ultimately it's for the best.
Cos these people, you know, they're...
- Deluded. - Yeah, yeah. I know someone just like that.
So what happened with Emma?
Well, they met when they were 15. They became inseparable.
I think she assumed they were gonna get married.
Emma wanted to get married?
I'm telling you, she was a completely different girl in those days.
Anyway, I think he was a bit overwhelmed by it all,
and he ended it when he went off to college.
Last I heard, he married a nurse.
Yeah, life was good.
Ben was about to start nursery, I had a great job at a fantastic school.
Just bought our dream house.
And then she started to get these headaches.
Only blessing is, it was over so quickly.
Oh, Joe. I'm so sorry.
Anyway, I took six months off to get my head straight.
By the time I went back to work, I was way behind on the mortgage and in debt, so I...
I ended up borrowing some money from this company I saw on the telly.
A company called Dosh4You.
Dosh4You lend to undischarged bankrupts,
people with county court judgements and people with criminal records.
So why don't you call Dosh4You now for a free, no-strings consultation?
Calling Dosh4You might just be the smartest call you ever made.
So call Dosh4You now.
And let's be friends.
So I borrowed three grand from them, and yeah, I should have read the small print
about the rates and penalties if you miss a repayment, but I just...
I trusted them, I suppose.
So how much do you owe?
£31,526.
And £27, 28, 29...
I came down here to meet a debt advice agency.
It's all completely legal, apparently.
So in three days time, they'll take the house.
And me and Ben will be homeless.
It works out at an interest rate of more than 4,000%.
- Can they do that? - Yeah.
I had a look through the contract. It's all there.
I mean, albeit in tiny black and white. So it is legal. But it's wrong.
- And who owns it? - Georgina Althorp.
I've only done a net search so far, but she sounds like a real piece of work...
The daughter's kidneys failed completely,
so the mother had to give up work to look after her,
with Dad still crippled from the car crash, of course.
This took them a year behind on payments,
so in June I waivered a right to repossess, and then...
yeah, did so again on the 15th of last month.
They're now asking for one last extension
so they can stay in their home for the final few weeks of little Emily's life.
What can I say?
Simply...
appalling.
You know, one of the most desperate case histories I think I have ever heard.
I can't believe you didn't come and see me before.
And ask my permission before granting two frigging loan extensions!
I mean, have I missed something here, eh?
Is it Red Nose Day?
Is Richard cocking Curtis about to walk in the door?
This is a business!
It is not a charity! Evict! Now!
When you've done that, go and get your P45.
Because you are fired.
Right. Who's next?
I just think she could really benefit from knowing what it feels like
- To be on the other end of the deal for once. - Where's the company based?
- Er, Birmingham. - Birmingham?
- Definitely rings a bell. - Yeah, we'd just go up there.
Hang on. Isn't that where he lives, Joe Ryan?
What's that got to do with anything?
Come on! Sis!
She's a great mark, Sean. End of.
I think all Sean is saying is - this is work, isn't it?
- It's not some sort of personal thing? - Yes, of course, it is...
The woman is greed personified. She's the ideal mark.
The rest is my business.
I think Emma's right. The woman is a good mark.
Yeah, I agree. So, unless anyone has any further objections,
we have ourselves a new mark.
Now, we need a base man, Mickey. You know, a coordinator.
- Down here. - Of course we do.
And I'd really like to be that man. I mean, I have a certain skill, a certain focus.
And a certain proximity to Sandown Park.
OK, Albert. You're our base man.
I'd also like you to check out the legal situation,
the laws governing loan sharking, usury, money lending.
Sean - personal history,
where she's from, past relationships, significant others. You know the score.
Emma - professional history. How she got to where she is now.
Ash - interests outside the company, hobbies, diversions, other businesses.
I'll do the company itself.
Tickets, please.
Come on, help the homeless.
Help the homeless.
Oh, get a job!
Good afternoon. I need a room, please.
Oh... bugger!
- Let me help you, sir. - Oh, yeah. Thanks very much.
You're very kind.
Oh, I need to get a new one of these things, you know.
This one, looks like the lock's gone.
- Not a problem, sir. - Cheers, thank you very much.
Now, er... where were we? Oh, yes, er...
I need a room - single will do - and the name's Smith. David Smith.
Of course, Mr. Smith. Let's just see.
Well, we've got plenty of singles.
But look, I doubt very much we're going to sell it now.
I'm going to give you our suite for the price of a single.
How's that sound?
What's your name, young man?
Well, it's William. William Philpott. That's two Ts.
And if there's anything else I can do, Mr. Smith...
Birmingham?
- Birmingham. You've been? - Mm-mm.
There was a bus at the end of our road went there.
- Never came back, like, but it went there. - My feelings entirely.
Do you mind? I've got a briefing.
No.
Thank you.
Oh, I don't think we ordered...
On the house, Mr. Smith.
- For you and your guests. - Oh, well, thanks very much, William.
That's much appreciated.
Enjoy.
Oh, I love me.
- Sorry about the delay, Albert. - Hi, not to worry.
Right, then. Sean.
OK. Our mark was born Gail Latter in a run-down suburb of Solihull.
The daughter of Horace and Doris Latter.
She was educated at the local comp but left as soon as she could.
Both parents are now dead,
and she didn't attend either funeral following a family dispute.
Apparently, she bought their council house for them and then evicted them from it.
She changed her name by deed poll to Georgina Althorp in 1996.
She started out selling double glazing, then the properties the double glazing was in,
then the mortgages that bought the properties the double glazing was in,
and then any kind of loan. She trained at night school to be a lawyer.
She qualified in '98.
And then, less than three years ago,
she opened Dosh4You at the start of the recession.
And it has positively thrived in that market.
Selling loans to skint people who can't get loans anywhere else because, well...
because they can't afford to.
I think you'll find, if you take a look at your contract, sir,
that it is a secured loan and we do have the right to repossess your car.
For secured loans, against a house, or a car,
anything worth more than the original loan
and they're absolutely ruthless about getting their money back.
Daily letters, hourly phone calls, home visits,
until ultimately, what they call "Debt Resolution Advisors".
Please, we have nowhere to go.
I'm begging you.
Not our problem, sweetheart. You signed the contract, sorry.
No! Please!
There have been a number of court cases against them,
attempts to have their punitive interest rates ruled illegal, but no one has won.
When, clearly, what they do is unjust, unfair, immoral.
But it is all within the letter of the law.
OK, she likes a flutter on the markets. She uses Standings of Mayfair.
Buys mainly gilt and blue chip,
but also has a bit in some property companies
and a chunk in a boutique private bank, Dawlish and Co.
Member of Audley Hall Golf Club
and has applied five years in a row to join the Troon Hunt.
OK.
What does she want, this, er...
this comp-educated woman...
who changes her name to Althorp?
What does she really want?
To be someone else.
Exactly. And that's our bait.
We have to offer her the thing she most clearly craves. Class.
My old man said you can never buy class.
No, you can't. But you can sell it.
Or at least a representation of it.
What representation?
The very best. A title.
We are going to sell her a title
and we're going to sell her the property that comes with it. A castle.
- Ah! Count Victor Lustig, huh? - The Eiffel Tower con.
Yeah, we sell her a building we don't actually own.
How many times have we sold the Ritz Hotel this year, huh?
Oh, more times than was polite.
So, where shall we start?
At the very beginning - with a convincer.
OK.
Troon Hunt.
"Invite you to a luncheon. Master of the hunt.
"Final selection process.
"Fotherleigh Castle."
Sarah, I'm going shopping.
All right, Backdoor. You're the master.
East End Arthur, you're the kennelsman.
Rodney, Jessop, Pilchard and Dibble,
you're the local businessmen on the waiting list.
All right, it'll be platform four, 12:00.
Enjoy yourselves, have a good time, smile, and good luck.
Oh, come on, fellas. One for the road, eh?
- Or how about some takeaways? - Sorry, Eddie. Got to rush.
Servants' entrance, chapel,
and this is to the grand hall.
- How much? - A grand.
Why else do you think it's called the grand hall?
And you are definitely 100% sure... that it's empty?
It's only open to the public Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays.
Then you're on.
No, it's by the fridge.
- Emma. - Joe.
Surprise?
Found an old dressing up box as we were packing. Didn't we, Ben?
Hello.
He's a bit shy.
He's gorgeous.
You can't think I would ever normally wear an outfit like this.
Come on, pink completely washes me out.
Joe, I don't know how you manage to stay so cheerful.
Oh, I've got to, haven't I?
Little man's been through enough already,
doesn't need his dad moping around feeling sorry for himself.
So come on, then. What you doing up here?
I was visiting some old friends in Leicester and I thought I'd make a little detour.
Well, I'm really glad you did.
So, when's it happening, then?
Thursday, 6:00.
And I guess you've explored every single other option.
Everything legal, yeah.
And it would have to be a completely above-board option, wouldn't it?
Yeah, I mean, I...
I could never...
I'd never do anything dodgy, if that's what you mean.
Well, I guess that depends on what you call dodgy, doesn't it?
I'm a dad, Em, and a teacher.
And both those jobs come with some serious responsibilities.
I've gotta play this one with a straight bat, I'm afraid.
- I'm sorry if that sounds pompous. - No, it doesn't at all. It's, erm...
It's very refreshing, actually.
So, did you pack your glasses? Or...
Yeah, I've packed away the lead crystal.
Could do you two Simpsons mugs, though.
Bagsy Marge.
You OK?
Yeah, why?
You just seem a bit quiet, that's all.
And you have been ever since you ran into this guy.
- All right, Mickey. - Hmm?
Do you ever question what we do?
Question it? In what way?
Well, I mean, do you ever ask yourself if what we do is wrong?
Maybe once, when I was starting out when I was a kid.
But, er... I'm a grown-up, Em.
I know how the world works.
You can't con an innocent man, remember?
Yeah.
But?
A couple of days ago, I met this man I went to school with
and he's a teacher himself now and he's got a little boy of his own.
But when what I did for a living came up, I lied.
And I lied because I felt something I haven't felt in years.
I felt shame.
And the other thing is, they built Bridewell C nuclear power station there
and the locals thought it was an improvement.
You've got slum housing, you've got grinding poverty,
you've got factories everywhere belching out smoke.
Hey, Albert. They don't call it the Black Country for nothing, you know.
All right. We're on.
Good morning. Rupert Worthesely Wethesley, hunt secretary.
Georgina Althorp, prospective member.
Of course you are, Miss Althorp. How very charming to finally meet you.
- And you, Rupert. - If you'd like to follow me.
I'll take you through. You can meet the chaps.
That would be lovely. Coat.
Did you have to travel far? No, no. Just from town.
Standings of Mayfair.
Oh, hello. Can I speak to Lucy Greening, please?
- Putting you through. - Thank you.
- Hello, Lucy Greening. - Hello. I wonder if you can help me.
I'm looking to move my share portfolio and a friend recommended you.
Well, there's lots of ways we can help you with your banking...
For maximum growth, split your portfolios.
Split your portfo... folio...
For maximum growth, split your portfolios.
Don't answer, Em, just...
This is not good for you.
You've got work to do. You're part of a team who's relying on you.
Bollocks!
Hello, Joe, how you doing?
If it makes you feel better, there are plenty of other people here in the same boat.
Ah, now, you must meet Lord Fotherleigh. It is his castle we're trashing, after all.
Johnny, I wonder if I might introduce someone to you.
John Dawlish, Georgina Althorp.
It's "Althorp", ducky. We don't pronounce...
Oh, well, maybe we do.
- John Dawlish? - Yes.
Of Dawlish and Co?
- Yes. - Oh, wow! What a coincidence.
You see, I've got shares in your company.
In fact, I mean, you could say we're in the same line of business.
Are we, really?
You do surprise me.
Well, yeah, you run a bank...
and I run Dosh4You.
Oh, that's very good. That really is very funny.
You see, I didn't have you down as a woman with a sense of humour,
but that is amusing.
God, aren't they just awful, those grubby little outfits?
It wouldn't surprise me if there was a "Dosh4You".
Brings me out in hives just thinking about it.
Anyway.
Perfectly charming to meet you.
What have I ruddy told you about letting the working classes near me?
- Sir, I... - Be quiet, you dullard, and get the car.
I'm going to the club.
Terribly sorry about that. I think he's having a few work issues.
Damn nuisance is he's on the selection committee.
Look, I know our account with your company has been frozen,
but if you could let me have a car right now
then I promise I'll make sure you get a cheque first thing tomorrow morning.
No, it's just my boss has taken his car and he's left me...
No, don't put me on hold.
Do you need a lift back to town?
Oh, you'd be saving my life.
Get a good squeeze in here. Get the water off.
That's a good one, isn't it?
That's good cleaning, isn't it?
What?
Nothing, nothing. I just always thought you'd make a great dad.
No, I'm only like this cos you're here. I'm trying to impress you.
Oh, right, right. He's usually locked in the cellar, is he?
Yeah, lives off dry bread and leftovers.
I'm a monster in real life.
Yeah, I often think about what would have happened if you and I had stayed together.
Yeah, me, too.
That was all you wanted back then, wasn't it? A proper family.
Mm-hm.
We were too young, Em. Just kids ourselves, really.
Not now, though, eh?
Why don't you come round to mine later?
Spag bol on a paper plate. What's not to like?
- Or maybe you've got other commitments. - No. I've got no other...
Oh, crap. Other commitments...
I've got to go. Um, how about seven?
Yeah, seven's fine.
Yeah, all right. I'll see you later. Can you say bye to Ben for me, yeah?
Thanks for this.
And I'm really sorry about earlier. That was...
How does he manage to run a successful business when he treats people like that?
What?
Nothing. I was... Nothing.
Erm... J-Just here's fine.
Thank you. Thank you very much, once again.
So, come on then.
- One good deed and all. - I'm sorry?
Are they having money worries? Dawlish.
If I had shares, say... would I buy or would I sell?
Come on, what do you owe him, eh?
Sell. Like today. Like right now.
Sell the bloody lot. And if ever you're looking for a new financial director...
Right, get me back to my office. I need my phone and a Rolodex.
Where is it?
Hello, Dosh4You.
How can I help?
Where the hell is she?
- Lucy Greening. - Oh, hi, Lucy.
It's Georgina Althorp here.
I was wondering. Have you heard any whispers about Dawlish and Co?
Well, you know, that's odd, you're the second person to ask me that today.
Really?
Why were the other people worried?
They heard a vague rumour about some liquidity problems.
Did they? Right.
- What are they trading at now? - Uh, hang on.
Ninety eight. You paid 93.
Sell 'em. Sell the lot.
- What, now? - Yes. Now.
What have I got? A hundred grand's worth?
Yeah, just over. OK, one second.
OK, that's done.
Right, I'll call you later.
Sorry. I got lost in a one-way system. Would you believe it?
No problem. Let's get the website online and reel her in.
Bloody hell.
Tommy Pinion.
Hello, Mr. Pinion. It's Georgina Althorp here.
Oh, hi. Is there any chance I could call you back?
- It's not a very good time... - I just wanted to say thank you.
For the tip.
You just saved me 45 grand.
Oh, hey, my pleasure. Looks like you got out just in time, to be honest.
- Really? - It's way worse than even we knew.
Right now we're trying to avoid a fire sale of all his assets.
All his assets?
Between you and me, I think he's going to lose everything.
Yeah, the castle, the business, not to mention his good name.
Look, erm... I'd like to buy you dinner tonight.
That's... that's very kind of you, but it's not really good timing.
It's just I've got a job opportunity that I'd like to discuss with you.
How about Gilroy's, 7:30?
I'll see you there.
And we're on.
Once you learn this, no one will ever grab you again.
Go on, face. Up there.
So, are you going to go and see Joe again?
Yeah, I am.
Is this a thing, then?
I honestly don't know where it's going.
But your share, you're giving it to him?
Well, I want to, of course, but I actually don't think he'll take it.
Oh, did he say he wouldn't?
- No, not exactly. - You haven't told him, have you?
- What you do. - I wanted to, and I will.
Emma, you have to tell him.
If it's serious, he has to know who you are.
Sure... if that is who I am.
Hey, how you doing? It's Eddie.
Barman Eddie.
Barman Eddie from Liverpool.
What, about 5'7", dark...
Listen, I was married to you for two years, Rita.
Yeah, yeah, that Eddie. Yeah.
Anyway, listen. I was just wondering, cos, um...
I run this new bar now and I was wondering if you fancy popping over...
Hello? Hello?
Must be on a train or something cos the reception went.
Right.
Hey, how about just a day trip up there, Albert? Just to see the gang.
Like you said, Eddie. This is Birmingham.
No decent hotels or restaurants.
I'm not entirely sure they even have electricity.
Hey.
Hey. Hi. All right.
Oh, my goodness, Joe. You didn't have to go to all this trouble.
Yeah, I did. Dosh4You cut off the electric.
Good evening, Miss Althorp.
Mr. Pinion, sit down.
Champagne?
Oh, yes, thanks.
- Here you go. - Lovely.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
- In fact, no. In my professional... - I'll just take these.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
In my professional opinion,
as a fellow of the Royal Society of Chartered Accountants,
and as an RCSC.
And a... Mmm!
...and an IFA and an NASAP and an IOU...
He's... He's buggered. He is.
Cos the company, right, has got way more debts than it's got assets.
And he's all like, "Wah, wah, wah".
He's completely borassic, as well.
- He must have some things he could sell. - Mm-mm. He's already sold them.
All he's got left is that title
and then the stupid, blooming, what's-it's-face castle.
Why doesn't he sell those?
What's the point? If he did, the banks would simply
take all the money he made and use it to pay off his creditors.
I mean, if he could sell the castle and keep the money, he would.
But he can't, so he's fu...
Sorry.
Oh, I think I had a bad oyster. I feel a bit odd.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What are you going to do, Joe, come tomorrow night?
Oh, we'll be OK.
I can stay with Mum and Dad for a bit till we get some money together for a rental.
And the rest...
Oh, in the end, it's just stuff, Em. It's just stuff.
It's not anything that'll really make you happy, you know?
Real happiness comes from family... from being around the ones you love.
Yeah.
I know I've only just met you again, and I know...
this is ridiculously fast, but...
I just want you to know, I'd so love you to stay.
You mean tonight.
I mean for good.
Wherever we end up.
Stay with us for good.
Sorry about that. Looks like it was a bad one.
You need to sober up and you need to sober up fast.
Ring your boss. Tell him I've had an idea,
a way he can earn some serious money he can keep.
If he's interested, he'll meet me tomorrow morning at nine sharp.
- Got it? - Yeah, got it.
Ring him now. Let me know.
Ash, she bit.
I'm not sure I can do this.
This con or any con?
Right now,
I'm pretty confused.
Why don't you take a few days off, think things through?
- What about the job? - We'll manage.
Please don't say anything to Sean until I'm certain.
I'll say that you're not feeling well. You've gone back to London.
Thank you.
You know, just because other people don't do what we do...
doesn't mean it's wrong.
Yeah, I know.
It just means they haven't got the nerve.
Trust me, if they thought they could get away with it,
everyone would do what we do.
Yes, I'm not sure that this is what I want any more.
If it can still make me happy.
A bug?
Yeah, 24-hour thing, she reckons.
If it's the bug I think it is, Mickey, it lasts a lot longer than 24 hours.
I'm sorry. I would have told you but she asked me not to say anything.
How bad's she got it?
Bad, I think.
She has this fantasy idea of an idyllic little family.
Picket fence, wine and roses.
Exactly. And I think she's falling for that more than the bloke.
So tell her, then.
No, I can't tell her, Ash.
Whatever decision she makes has got to be her own.
Yeah, but we don't want to lose her, Mickey. We need her.
We love her. Not to mention how Sean would react.
Yeah, I know.
Well, how about I go and have a chat with the guy, heart to heart,
try and understand where he's coming from,
and if that doesn't work, I could give him a slap.
Let's just hold fire till this con's finished.
And we need to sell the illness idea to Sean.
He has to stay focused till the end of the day.
- Yeah, got it. - We're on.
Miss Althorp.
Glass of fizz and a Pop-Tart when you're ready there, grandad.
Right. Let's not beat about the bush.
You... are in the shit.
- I beg your... - Shut up.
And listen.
You are in the shit and I'm gonna help you out.
I want to buy your castle, and I am prepared to offer you half a million pounds for it.
Half a million pounds? Half a million? It's easily worth four times that. More.
It's funny. I didn't have you down as a man with a sense of humour.
Not to you, it ain't.
To you, it is worth squat-diddly,
cos pretty soon the bank is gonna come along and take the lot.
Why on earth would I sell it to a common little tart like you, then?
Because I'm going to buy it cash.
So, we write up a contract for a nominal sum, say a pound,
and on paper, that's what you sell it to me for.
We say that it's a money pit, it's falling down.
I'm doing you a favour by taking it off your hands. But privately...
I give you... 500... grand... cash.
Cash no one need know about. Specifically... your creditors.
No, no, that's completely illegal.
Absolutely not.
The contract will be watertight.
It may well be within the letter of the law, but it's...
- It's definitely against the spirit and I... - Oh, please! A contract is a contract.
- It's either legal or it isn't. - But what about the creditors?
What about the small businesses he owes cash to?
The friends who've lent him money?
What about them?
Only a moron lets his hard-earned cash slip through their fingers.
They deserve everything that they get.
Oh, one more thing.
If you choose to take the deal...
I want the title.
- To be Lady Fotherleigh. - Absolutely not. No.
The title, that would be all that I had left.
Yeah.
And that is exactly why I want it.
Please. I beg you, Georgina.
The title.
Or this common little tart walks.
We'd absolutely have to exchange and complete by close of play today.
The administrators are circling.
Can you draw up the deeds of transference in time?
If you can get the contract sorted.
Oh, yeah. I'll do them myself,
have a copy with you by midday.
And trust me, they will be watertight.
Then it's a deal.
Well, well, well. Turns out you're not as stupid as you look.
Oh, what time for the viewing?
- I'm sorry? - The viewing.
Of the castle.
But, um, you've already seen it.
Bloody hell, no wonder your business has gone tits up!
I was at a drinks party. I had a cursory look around.
I want to view it properly,
check that there's no damp, no subsidence, that the windows aren't too draughty.
It's a 500-year-old castle.
I'll be there at four with the money.
You'll be there, too, or the deal's off.
Now, that...
wasn't supposed to happen.
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
- The bad news. - They don't shut till seven.
So what's the good news?
If we buy a six-month pass, we get a free Mr. Whippy.
- There's absolutely no way we can delay. - We have to complete today
or she gets her real shares statement from her stockbroker and we're finished.
- We're bollocksed, then, ain't we? - Gotta be more than 100 people here.
And there's absolutely no way we're gonna be able to get rid of them all by four.
And not to mention, with Emma sick, we're a man down.
Like he said, we're bollocksed.
Unless...
- I told you we'd be fine. - Yeah, right.
Miss Althorp.
Not for much longer.
- You have the money? - You have the deeds?
And we've signed our contracts.
Then let's have a look-see, shall we?
Follow me.
No.
I want him to do it.
- How's your English history? - Depends how far you go back.
Well, how far back can you go?
I can remember what I had for breakfast this morning.
Beyond that, I'm struggling a bit. Nah, we'll be fine. I'll busk it.
And so we come to the oldest part of the castle,
built at the turn of the 15th century.
And if we look up,
we can see a typical example of a flying buttocked ceiling.
Moving on to the long gallery where, legend has it,
William Wallace Simpson fought Richard de Gere
for the heart of Lady Marion...
the Faithful.
I'm really sorry to interrupt, Lord Fotherleigh, but I've just had a text from the office.
The receivers are there and they're trying to freeze your accounts.
Right, let's do it, then.
Keys.
Please.
Money... please.
Half a million.
You're short.
A quid short.
Of course, sorry.
Now, piss off out of my castle, you pleb.
Did we get it?
- Told you it would work. - I can't believe you ever worried, Mickey.
When you think about it, it had to work. It's a classic.
Unless... Unless we try doomsday.
Well, Chemical Ollie lives up that way, and Monty John,
and they both owe me a favour.
Yeah, I'll call them right away.
I'm sure they can pull a team together.
I think we should move this way, gentlemen.
This is an emergency. This is an emergency.
Evacuate immediately. Evacuate immediately.
Evacuate and make your way to the bus.
Evacuate area immediately. Radiation leak at Bridewell C.
Right, back to London, a few beers at Eddie's.
Definitely. But we have a few loose ends to tie up first.
And we need to move it.
It's me. Where are you?
My husband and I...
My husband and I, Lady Fotherleigh...
I knew something funny was going on.
What the hell are you doing in our castle?
Your castle? What the bloody hell are you doing in my castle?
This is the great hall, with all the ancestral paintings.
Your castle?
What about this?
This castle is owned by Stately Heritage.
No.
No!
Call the police!
I want the police here now!
- The police? - Yes!
Right, and what shall I tell the gentlemen here for your meeting?
You?
You!
Where's my money? Where is my bloody money?!
Whoa, Georgina, calm down, calm down.
- You'll get your money back. - You what?
It was a bit of fun, a joke. We were just trying to prove a point.
'Course we're gonna give you your money back.
- You are? - Yeah, obviously.
You can't go around taking money from people and giving them nothing in return.
- No, no, you can't. - Cos that would be absurd.
- Not to mention, completely immoral. - Yeah.
We're going to give you back every penny you spent on that castle.
In fact... here it is right now.
A pound?
I gave you 500 frigging grand!
No, no, you didn't.
It's, erm... It's all here in black and white.
See, one pound.
So, you can call the police if you wish,
but a contract is a contract.
- It's either legal or it isn't. - But that's... That...
You have tricked me.
You have conned me, and that is not fair!
Guys, can you hear something?
Yeah, a sort of whinging sound.
Yeah, sort of a whinging fool sort of sound.
Yeah, that's exactly what it is - a whinging fool kind of sound.
Like you said...
only a moron lets hard-earned cash slip between their fingers.
You deserve everything you get.
- So what did he say? - When the pig started to sing...
- Yeah, go on... - That was a big surprise to everyone...
So what am I, scotch mist?
Hey-hey! Are you feeling better?
- Yeah. A lot, actually, yeah. - Good.
When I heard you weren't well, I made some of my special chicken soup for you.
- Good to have you back, babe. - Thanks, Albert.
You missed a beaut, Ems. Sit down and I'll tell you all about it.
I will. I want to hear every little detail.
It was probably the water up there. It's not safe to drink, apparently.
So?
How was... your bug?
He was good. He was very good,
but in the end... not quite good enough.
Right, we're ready.
No fuss. Here you go.
Hold on to your keys for now, Mr. Ryan.
Got a bit of good news for you.
Why would you do this, Mickey?
Because I know when I'm beat.
If making his life easier is what makes you happy, then...
- And are they OK with it? - Yeah, well.
They get their money. Why wouldn't they be?
What do you think, Emma?
An interest rate mistake?
Apparently they just lost some big case in London on how they calculate their interest.
Wow.
Anyway, bottom line is, the interest I already paid has more than paid off the loan.
In fact, they owed me money.
No way!
1,580 quid!
Ben, your toys are out!
- Oh, Joe... - Em, Em. It gets better.
When he gave me the cash, he must have got confused in his head.
- What do you mean? - The idiot gave me 1,850 instead of 1,580.
Gave me 270 quid too much!
But you told him, yeah? You gave it back to him.
It was cash. How are they ever gonna prove that? Mmm!
That's not the point, Joe.
What is the point, then?
The point is...
That's not who you said you were.
You know, it's odd when you meet someone
who seems to see the world in a completely different way to you.
And it just makes you question everything you are.
Particularly if you fancy the pants off him.
Yes, and also if you think they have something you've always wanted.
But you were right.
- I usually am. - He's no different from us.
And this, this so isn't wrong.
This is all the family I need right now.
- This is who I am. - Then welcome back, Em.
And thank you.
For what?
Showing me.
And the extra 270.
You have to make it look like a mistake. OK?
Like a mistake.
Oh, I know you, Mickey Stone.
I was actually hoping he wouldn't take it.
- Oh, yeah, right. Mm-hm? - No, really.
I don't believe you.
Yep. It is good to be back.
- Cheers, everybody. - Cheers!